I’ve been reflecting on my childhood lately and decided to write down how masking at school made me feel. So here it is… I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help build more awareness of the internal struggles we face.
Holding It All In at School
Masking all day at school, trying my best not to let anyone know that I’m struggling with my concentration and focus.
I’m struggling to keep up with the lesson. The teacher asks me a question. I know the answer, I really do, but I hate that everyone is now watching me. I can’t get the words out, so instead, I say, “I don’t know.”
The teacher signs and says I need to concentrate more. Little does she know, I’m already trying my best.
It’s break time. My friends are playing together, but for some reason, they don’t want me to join in. I don’t understand – what did I do wrong?
The rejection hits hard. I don’t know what to do or where to go; I feel completely lost.
Now I’m back in class, my mind racing with all the ways I might’ve upset them.
I’m told off for fidgeting. But I can’t help it. Sitting still makes it even harder for me to focus. It feels unnatural to me.
The classroom is too hot. The lights are too bright. Everyone is too noisy.
I didn’t hear the teacher ask me a question, and now I’m being shouted at for not listening.
It’s all becoming too much.
Just hold it together.
I haven’t got long left now.
The Breaking Point
I get home completely exhausted – my fuel light is on red, and I’m unable to regulate myself anymore. I just want to put on my comfy clothes, get under a blanket, and recharge.
But my parent starts telling me off for not putting my shoes away. My uniform is still on the floor.
They say I never get it right, that I always do it wrong.
They don’t know how much of a failure I’ve already felt today.
It all feels personal, another rejection. And just like that, the bottle I’ve been trying to keep sealed all day finally bursts.
All the unfairness, confusion, and hurt from the day erupt like a volcano.
I can’t even hear what my parent is saying – it’s just noise to me. But I can see their angry, shouty face, and that makes it worse.
I’ve lost control of my body. My body is tense, my jaw hurts, and all I see is red.
I hate this feeling.
Why does no one understand?
Why do I feel so alone?
You only see the meltdown at the end.
But the trust is, I was holding it together all day.
Thank you for taking a moment to step into my younger self’s world.
If this sounds familiar, whether it’s your child, your student, or your younger self, please remember that behaviour is communication, look beyond it and listen deeper.
It’s not just ‘attention seeking’ or being ‘dramatic’.
Feel free to share your experiences by commenting on this post, sending me an email or reaching out to me on Instagram. I would love to hear from you!
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x
2 responses to “When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough: School Masking”
Wow Chloe, this really sounds like our eldest!
Reading your blogs is actually helping me understand her a lot better and aiding me with allowing her to regulate in her safe space. Understanding that she isn’t being naughty, she’s just exhausted from holding it in all day.
Thank you! Keep it up, it’s really helping!!
Ahh, this makes me so happy! I’m glad my posts are helping!
Chloe x