Small Talk: Two Words That Send My Brain Into Panic Mode.
If you’ve read my Lost in Translation post, you’ll know what goes on in my head when I’m trying to communicate with somebody. If you haven’t read it yet, what are you waiting for? Click on the link and go and have a nosy.
Now you’re back up-to-date...
It probably won’t surprise you to hear this, but I hate small talk with a passion.
Scripts I Can Prepare For.
As I mentioned in my previous post, standard conversations can be overwhelming for me. However, they come with the comfort of knowing the conversation is going to happen, such as a scheduled meeting or a planned phone call. This gives me the space and time to mentally script what I think will come from the conversation. I play out how I think it might go, rehearse some responses, and try to feel semi-prepared. Even if in the moment, the words don’t come out as I hoped for.
I’ll also have my trusty notebook with me to jot down any questions I’ve already planned, so I don’t lose track of thought. I’ll note down anything the other person tells me as well.
Because notebooks solve everything, right? 😉
Even if the conversation ends up going off script, I’ve at least got a starting point and know where I’m roughly going with it. Giving me the slight reassurance that there is some predictability to the conversation.
But Small Talk? No Thanks.
Small talk throws all of that out the window.
It’s unpredictable, full of unknowns, and I never know what direction it might take.
Are they going to talk about the weather? That seems to be the classic go-to. Or are they going to hit me with a “how are you?” – and if they do, what do they really mean? Is it just a polite “hi” in disguise, where I’m supposed to say, “Good, thanks, you?” and move on?
Or are they actually asking how I am?
And if they are, do I tell them the truth? Do I say I’m tired, overwhelmed, and overstimulated… or do I smile and nod along with society’s scripted politeness?
Then they might ask about my daughter.
Are they genuinely interested? Or are they just filling the silence with more small talk?
I can never tell, and I never know how much I’m supposed to say.
How in-depth do I go?
Am I being too much?
Not enough?
Overthinking in Real-Time.
In the middle of all this, my brain is scrambling. It’s in overdrive, trying to predict what might be said next, what I should say, how to keep the conversation going – or better yet, how to end it politely and run away.
And honestly?
Sometimes I do run away.
The Art of Avoidance.
If I see someone I know while out shopping or walking with my family, my instinct is to avoid. It’s nothing personal. It could be someone I really like and usually enjoy talking to – but in that moment, it’s too much.
I’ve been known to hide behind a clothes rack or take a detour down a different street to avoid the possibility of small talk.
It’s not because I’m rude. It’s because surprises bring unpredictability. And unpredictability brings on anxiety.
Some people might understand this feeling very well…
You know that moment you’re leaning back in your chair, the back two legs on the floor but the other two in the air, and you lean a bit too far?
That split-second panic feeling that rushes through your body?
That’s the feeling I get when I see someone and know small talk might be expected.
I wish I could wear a sign that says:
“I’m not being rude; I just can’t do small talk today”
Because I do worry. I worry that people will think I’m unfriendly, odd, or uninterested. I worry they’ll misinterpret my awkwardness as something it’s not.
Talk to Me About the Deep Stuff.
And yet, if you talk to me about childhood experiences, psychology, neurodiversity or identity, I’m all in. Those are the conversations where I feel grounded, connected, and curious. Those are the moments where I feel safe, present and engaged – the kind of conversations I want more of. It feels like second nature to me. I imagine this is how neurotypical people might feel in most conversations.
It’s as if I’m wired for real connection, not casual chit chat.
But small talk?
Small talk feels like a performance I never auditioned for, with a script everyone seems to know by heart, and I’m just trying not to trip over my lines. All while trying not to adopt other people’s views and opinions… (But that’s a story for another time.)
Learning to Honour How I Communicate.
Small talk might always be a struggle for me, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me rude, weird, or broken just because I don’t fully understand the need for it. It just means I communicate differently. And I’m learning to honour that, unapologetically. Even if people think I’m boring or awkward for standing beside them in silence, this is what feels right for me. If I don’t know what to say, I won’t force conversation anymore.
So, if we ever bump into each other and I look a bit startled, know it’s not you, it’s the small talk.
But if you fancy skipping the weather chat and diving into something real instead… I’m all ears.
I would love to know if other people dislike small talk as much as I do. Or maybe, you absolutely love it! I would really like to hear the reasons behind why you enjoy it so much.
Please comment below, email me, or reach out on Instagram to share your experiences.
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x