Obedience in Childhood; People Pleaser in Adulthood

Why Obedience Isn’t Always The Goal.

What If Teaching Children To Confidently Say “No” Could Protect Them In Later Life?

One of the most powerful things I’ve learnt, both through studying psychology and parenting a neurodivergent child, is just how important it is to give children the space to question us. Not to be defiant, but to think critically and trust their gut. Because one day, they’ll need that instinct more than we realise. 

I’m writing this because I believe the way we teach children to respond to authority matters, especially for neurodivergent children, who are often misunderstood or expected to conform to rules that don’t take into account their unique needs. 

Let me explain… It all begins with an experiment from the 1960s that I was first introduced to during my first year of psychology studies, which shocked me.

The Experiment That Changed Everything

Psychologist Stanley Milgram wanted to understand why so many ordinary people had carried out horrific acts during the Holocaust. Many of those on trial claimed they were “just following orders”. So, Milgram wanted to explore if everyday people would do something they knew was wrong, simply because an authority figure told them to?

For the visual learners, here’s a video explanation. 

To achieve this, he conducted the “Obedience to Authority” experiment, in which participants were told they were participating in a memory test. They played the role of a ‘teacher’ and were instructed to deliver electric shocks to a ‘learner’, increasing the voltage with every mistake. What the participant didn’t know was that the learner was an actor, and no real shocks were being given. 

Still, the ‘teacher’ believed it was real. Even as the learner cried out in pain, begged to stop, and eventually went silent, many participants continued. Some hesitated. Some objected. However, when reassured that the responsibility would be on the authority figure, most continued. 

These weren’t cruel people; they were regular people. People who had learned that obedience to authority mattered more than questioning and acting upon what felt wrong. 

So What Does This Have To Do With Childhood?

It made me wonder…

What if they had practised, from early childhood, questioning unfairness, naming discomfort, and trusting their instincts?

The outcome may have been different. 

Because autonomy isn’t defiance, it’s protection in situations that can easily become unfavourable. 

My Theory: Autonomy As A Moral Toolkit

If we give children opportunities to express their boundaries, ask “why?”, and practise making decisions, especially when it feels uncomfortable, we’re giving them something powerful – a moral toolkit they can carry into adulthood. 

No, I’m not saying that children should question every request. Structure and boundaries matter in childhood to help scaffold children’s understanding and knowledge of the world. But when a child feels uneasy or overwhelmed by something they’re being asked to do, they should know they can speak up.

Here’s what this can look like in everyday life:

• Refusing a hug: A child doesn’t want to hug a family member goodbye, but is told, “Don’t be rude.” Respecting their “no” teaches them their boundaries matter.
• Fidgeting at school: A neurodivergent child is told to “sit still”, even though movement helps them regulate. Letting them explain builds self-advocacy, not disobedience. 
• Questioning unfairness: A child speaks up about a punishment that feels unfair. Instead of dismissing them, we ask for their perspective. 

The above examples are small moments, but in the long term, they’re also huge. It teaches children that their voice matters and builds their confidence in asking questions and explaining their needs. Even to those who have perceived authority over the child.

Obedience vs. Understanding 

As adults, especially those who are neurodivergent, we’re often expected to follow social rules that don’t feel authentic to us. But what if we’d had tools, since childhood, to pause, question, and trust ourselves instead? Would this have limited our masking?

The Added Complexity For Neurodivergent Children 

Neurodivergent children often face extra barriers – difficulties with social cues, sensory overload, or interpreting unspoken rules. 

That’s why giving them the space to explain, self-advocate, and ask questions matters even more, not just for inclusion, but for them to learn how to voice themselves confidently. This way, if they’re ever in a challenging situation, they can question uncomfortable requests without worrying. 

They might not always follow the “rules” the adults expect, but that doesn’t mean they’re being difficult. It means they’re communicating in their own way. And when we listen, really listen, we’re teaching them that their needs are valid, even in a world that doesn’t always make space for them to voice themselves. 

Respect shouldn’t be one-sided. If we want children to respect others, we also need to respect their boundaries, voices, and discomfort.

Let’s rethink what “respect” looks like…

 I haven’t written this post to say parenting needs to change, but to encourage reflection. How are we interacting with the children around us? What are they learning from how we are interacting with them?

Sometimes, we may unknowingly dismiss their voices, not out of malice, but because of our own conditioning or the societal norms we have been taught. Milgram’s experiment offers a powerful reminder of how deeply authority can influence human behaviour, and it’s not just a historical concern. The study has been replicated numerous times, with similar outcomes, which demonstrate its continued relevance today.

Raising children who feel confident enough to question authority when something doesn’t feel right and to trust their inner moral compass could be exactly what helps them in moments of pressure or uncertainty as adults. 

I genuinely believe it could make a difference. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 Have you seen examples of children being empowered to speak up?

Were you encouraged to question things as a child? Has it helped you navigate tricky situations as an adult?

Please let me know by commenting in the box or sending me an email.

Just remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this! 

Chloe x