The children caught in the gaps of our broken Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) system aren’t the ones acting out or falling behind in class. They’re the ones doing fine academically, quietly following the rules, and never causing disruption, but internally struggling. Their nervous system is constantly dysregulated due to being in environments where they have to mask their true selves to survive their day. Forever exhausted but never really understanding why.
I share my experience of school masking in my post ‘When Your Best isn’t Good Enough: School Masking.’ Take a moment to read and fully understand what a child might be experiencing, even if they appear fine on the outside.
The Children We Often Overlook
The in-between children are one of the main reasons why I wanted to create Wired Beyond Labels. I feel emotionally connected to the children who fall between the gaps, the ones who are often forgotten about, because most of the time they’re seen as doing fine.
But when you dig deeper into their experiences, when they feel safe enough to share what their day really feels like, it becomes so clear how much they’re struggling. Friendships, sensory overload, being overwhelmed by daily tasks, perfectionism, and racing thoughts.
All of this is happening internally; they might not feel confident enough to ask for help because they don’t understand why they’re finding it so hard. Everyone else seems to be doing fine, so why does it feel impossible to them? Perfectionism and negative self-talk begin to creep in.
The Internal Struggle Continues
Adulthood isn’t any better. Without understanding that they’re finding everything overwhelming because they’re neurodivergent, they can’t put the right tools and strategies in place. They’ll keep pushing and changing themselves to fit in and do everything the neurotypical way. Until they hit autistic burnout and the diagnosis finally comes: autistic, ADHD, sometimes both.
Read more about autistic burnout in my previous post ‘The Truth About Autistic Burnout‘.
Sometimes the diagnosis never comes; they’re expected to keep going because they’ve been able to cope all these years. Why does a diagnosis matter now?
I remember a medical professional saying these exact words to me. Little did they know the internal impact being undiagnosed has on someone. Finally, realising that they’re not the problem, but rather their brain is wired differently, which is why certain environments are challenging. This realisation is the reason why a diagnosis and understanding of oneself matter.
Why Does it Get to Crisis Point First?
But why does it have to reach that point? Why does it have to take mental, physical and emotional exhaustion before anything is fully recognised? Before any support or strategies are offered.
Why do people feel like being labelled “autistic”, “ADHD”, or “AuDHD” is negative and worse than being labelled as awkward, copycat, weird, clingy, dramatic, stupid, rude… and so many other negative labels? Being neurodivergent doesn’t take away your characteristics of being awkward, etc., but it does help you understand that nothing is wrong with you; it isn’t something that needs to change. You gain an understanding that this is how your brain is wired, and certain traits, such as being a ‘copycat’, serve as your coping mechanism for masking and fitting in. With the right support, you can begin to learn more about your authentic self, thereby reducing the need to ‘copycat’ others.
Early Recognision is Key
If a child is showing traits that suggest they may be neurodivergent, regardless of their academic or behavioural performance, it should always be explored. “Autism”, “ADHD” or any other neurodivergent labels should not be seen as something someone should not say. They shouldn’t be pushed to the back of the queue just because they can mask it better than others, their struggles are still real.
The Different Levels of Support
Yes, children with higher support needs, for example, those who are Level 3 autistic and cannot cope in mainstream schools, absolutely need the correct placement and specialist education. But that does not mean the children who can mask should be left to figure it out alone. The waiting lists for diagnosis are painfully long, and in the meantime, these children go year after year knowing they are different but not understanding why.
That confusion creates deep emotional wounds that can follow them into adulthood – trauma, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Just because they’re surviving doesn’t mean they’re okay. More needs to be done to recognise and provide these children with support, even without a formal diagnosis.
Mental Health Impact
If the left-behind children were appropriately supported and provided with various tools and strategies to explore what works for their brains, their mental health and well-being would be in a much better place. They would learn that they’re not broken because they find life harder than the people around them. They would understand that the problem was never them; it was their environment.
In the right environment, one that supports their neurodivergent brains, where people around them fully understand their amazing strengths, they can thrive.
Neurodivergent Strengths
Yes, being neurodivergent can be challenging, especially in an environment that isn’t supportive. However, always remember that in the right environment, with the knowledge that our brains work differently from those of neurotypicals and having the right coping mechanisms that work for us, what we bring to the table is unstoppable.
This is why it’s so important to give children the understanding early, to help them recognise their strengths, instead of teaching them to mask and chip away at their wonderful, authentic selves.
If you’re a parent, educator, or professional working with children, please take a moment to look beyond the surface. Notice the child who’s always quiet. The one who’s always trying to be perfect. The one who never asks for help. They might be the ones needing your understanding the most.
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x