Have you ever found yourself explaining what your child really means? Or talking to another adult about how your child feels, even though your child is standing right there with you?
I’ve been guilty of this more times than I can count. I always thought I was being helpful, advocating for her needs, and amplifying her voice. Especially when it came to ensuring appropriate support is in place. But through my psychology degree and research, I’ve realised something important: when we speak for children about experiences that affect them, we lose their insight. We filter their experiences through our own interpretation, which may differ significantly from theirs.
Even when it feels inappropriate for a child to be physically present in a discussion, their voice still matters. In those cases, we should adapt our approach so their perspective is included in its pure form, not filtered or reshaped by an adult’s interpretation.
And it got me thinking…
When did we start speaking for children, instead of with them, especially when they know their own inner world better than anyone else?
Speaking For, Not With.
We talk about children constantly, to teachers, doctors, other parents, SEN staff, and therapists. But how often do we truly talk with them? And when we do, are we giving them the space to be heard, or are we unintentionally filling in the gaps before they get a chance?
Sometimes we might explain what they mean because we feel like they didn’t explain themselves clearly.
Sometimes we soften their feelings to protect them, or to avoid judgment, whether of them or ourselves. Other times, we assume we know what’s best, forgetting that they might already understand their own needs but lack the confidence to express them.
And in doing so, even with the best intentions, we silence them. Instead of empowering their voice, we’re overshadowing it.
What if, instead, we guided children to navigate these conversations on their own? We could teach them how to share their perspective and advocate for their needs, whether that’s during a school meeting where targets are set, or in a therapy session. When a child confidently explains their own experience, it gives everyone a deeper understanding of what will truly support them, rather than relying on assumptions.
The Legal and Human Rights to be Heard
According to the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC, 1989), children who are capable of forming their own views have the right to express them freely in all matters affecting them, and for those views to be given due weight.
If UNCRC, a legally binding agreement between nearly 200 countries, recognises children’s rights to be heard and have a voice, why are we still so quick to override them? Why do we presume that we know how they’re impacted from what we have observed externally? It can result in matters concerning a child being done without the child’s input or awareness. With the possibility of moving away from what the child truly needs to support them.
Positionality: The Lens We See Through
Here’s the thing, as adults, we don’t just see a situation. We interpret it based on our own beliefs, experiences, and upbringing. In research, this is referred to as the researcher’s positionality. It shapes how we interpret scenarios, how we become involved, and how we perceive those around us.
For me, my own neurodivergence and the fact that my needs were missed during childhood massively influence how I respond to my daughter and other children around me, too. I’m hyper-aware of things being misunderstood or ignored, which leads me to want to overcorrect. You can learn more about my positionality in my ‘About Me‘ post. When it comes to my daughter, I will speak on her behalf about a situation to ensure the other adults around her understand, to prevent her from being misunderstood or ignored.
But in doing this, I’ve realised I might be missing her voice entirely.
Only She Truly Knows.
Here’s the truth I’ve come to accept:
No matter how well I know my daughter, only she truly knows how she feels. Only she understands her internal world from the inside. What I interpret from her behaviour is filtered through my lens, and I’m the first to admit, I can get it wrong.
This realisation has changed the way I think about my role as a mother. I’m not her voice – she is more than capable of voicing herself. My role is to help her discover and develop her voice, thereby enhancing her confidence and empowering her ability to advocate for herself.
That’s why it’s so important for parents or professionals working with children to take a step back and give the child the space and time to express themselves, without interruption.
To truly understand their behaviour, we must reflect on how we might be influencing their response.
So, before we jump into interpreting a child’s experience, it’s essential to reflect on our position and ask ourselves:
- Am I entering the conversation as an authority figure?
- Am I open to understanding, or do I already feel defensive or negative?
- What is my relationship with the child?
- Do they feel safe being honest, or are they masking and people-pleasing?
Shifting My Approach
I’ve now started doing something new.
When I’m tempted to jump in and explain how she’s feeling, I pause. Instead of talking for her, I guide her to explore her own thoughts. We work together to reflect on what she’s experiencing and figure out what might help by following her lead. A significant amount of this work can be accomplished through play, particularly for younger children. Play is a natural language for children, and often, it’s when many of their feelings and experiences come to the surface in a way that we can explore together.
Practical Ways to Amplify a Child’s Voice
✔ Pause before speaking for them — ask, “Would you like to explain how you feel?”
✔ Use open questions like, “What do you think will help?”
✔ For younger kids, use play, drawing, or feelings charts to explore their thoughts.
✔ After meltdowns, reflect together on what helped so they learn self-advocacy.
The Goal
The goal is that children develop their own toolkit, one they can carry with them into adolescence and adulthood. A way of thinking, reflecting, and advocating for themselves. Without needing the constant validation or reassurance from others.
Because parents and professionals won’t always be there to speak on their behalf, but if they’ve been practising their voice since childhood, they won’t need others to be involved. They’ll have the confidence to trust themselves.
I believe it’s essential for all children to develop their own toolkits.
When Support is Still Needed
Of course, there are times children completely shut down. When communication is too much, and that’s okay.
Support doesn’t disappear just because a child can’t articulate their needs in that moment; it just looks different.
In those moments, don’t force or rush. Sit with the child and help them regulate their emotions. Do they require specific sensory feedback, such as tight hugs or a weighted blanket, to feel comforted, safe and regulated? How do they normally release their trapped internal energy during these moments?
Give them space and time to regain control of their body, gently guiding them until they find their voice again. Once they have been able to regulate and feel content again, having a conversation with the child will allow them to express what helps them during those moments, which in turn will help them gain a sense of empowerment during a time that was unsettling for them.
Closing Reflection
As parents and professionals, we all want what’s best for the children in our care. But to truly meet their needs, we must listen to them, not just about them.
We need to stop speaking over children and start giving them the space and time to speak for themselves. We need to help them build the confidence and tools to advocate for what they need, not what we assume they do.
When we trust children to explore and express their inner world, we’re not just helping them find their voice, we’re teaching them to listen to it, too.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Please share your thoughts in the comment box below, via email, or reach out to me through Instagram.
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x
References
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) (1989) Convention on the rights of the child. Resolution 44/25. Available at: https://www.ohchr.org/sites/default/files/crc.pdf (Accessed: 1 July 2025)