Some people are clearly introverts; others are true extroverts, and then… there’s me, a walking contradiction. Which version of me shows up depends entirely on the day and the environment. I swing between craving deep connections and needing total isolation. The complexity stems from being both autistic and ADHD, also known as AuDHD.
Conflicting Characteristics – The Tug of War Inside Me
On some days, I’m chatty, motivated, and sociable, where I often say “yes” to everything and thrive on interaction. Other days? I don’t want to be perceived; I crave stillness, quiet, and invisibility. These aren’t just moods; deeper neurological needs drive them.
My Ever-Shifting Window of Tolerance
There’s a noticeable difference in how much I can tolerate on different days. On low-capacity days, the smallest thing, such as someone’s tone being off, a bright light, or unexpected noise, can tip me over my window of tolerance. I retreat somewhere safe, away from the world and all its demands. My autistic traits come to the front: I want minimal demands, minimal interaction, and to exist in my little bubble.
Other Days, I Could Take on the World
Then there are days when I feel like I’ve got capacity. I want to talk to everyone, make plans, and leave the house. On these days, it’s like my extroverted ADHD side steps into the spotlight. I feel regulated enough to socialise, and I want to, I enjoy it!
But here’s the catch: I never know which version of me I’m going to wake up to because each day involves different environmental and biological factors.
Stress: The Trigger That Heightens Everything
When I’m stressed, everything becomes harder. Focus? Out the window. Emotions? All over the place. It’s like my ADHD takes the driver’s seat – I become more forgetful, disorganised, reactive, and my rejection sensitivity spikes. Panic attacks become more frequent. And to make matters worse, my sensory sensitivities ramp up: fabrics feel scratchier, lights seem brighter, and smells become overpowering.
When ADHD and Autism Both Turn Up the Volume
Stress doesn’t just trigger one set of traits; it ramps up both. My ADHD makes me impulsive and scattered. My autism craves structure and stillness, but ADHD disorganisation and hyperactivity contradict. It becomes a constant internal battle, exhausting to manage, like two forces pulling in opposite directions, neither one fully winning. It’s not just “a bad day”. It’s a full-on shift in how I function, sometimes lasting for days, weeks and even months. Sometimes, it feels like my body is shutting down – completely drained from fighting two different battles at once. This is when neurodivergent burnout appears if the signs are not recognised and supported early enough. This type of burnout differs from typical burnout, which I will discuss in more detail in a separate post soon.
It Feels Like My Personality Completely Changes
This is one of the most challenging aspects to explain to others and myself. I can feel like a different person depending on the balance of sensory load, stress and internal tug-of-war between ADHD and autism. But the truth is: all of it is me. The quiet me, the more outgoing me, the organised and overwhelmed me.
Conclusion: The Duality Doesn’t Make Me Broken – It Makes Me, Me.
Living with both ADHD and autism means embracing complexity. I’m not inconsistent, I’m not flaky, I’m not two-faced, I’m just someone trying to make sense of a brain that often pulls in opposite directions.
Some days, I need the world. Some days, I need to escape it.
I’m learning, slowly, that I don’t need to pick one. I don’t need to explain myself, I just need space to be, without judgment.
This isn’t something to fix, it’s just how my brain experiences the world, and that’s okay.
Can you relate to this tug-of-war feeling too? I’d love to hear how you navigate it. Please drop us a comment or find us on Instagram.
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x