The Conversation Was In My Head… I Just Forgot To Let You In.
Have you ever started talking to someone and halfway through realised that you never actually started the conversation from the beginning?
Yeah… me too.
I do this all the time. I’ve already played the whole thing out in my head – through scripting, rehearsing, and building the context – so when I finally start speaking, I jump in halfway. The other person doesn’t have any of the context, and they’re left staring at me, totally lost. Meanwhile, I’m confused why they’re looking at me like that.
Why don’t they understand what I’m on about?
Cue The Panic Spiral
And then it hits me: ahhhhh no! I forgot to start at the beginning. That would’ve helped.
From that point on, panic starts to take over.
Everything starts to speed up, completely out of my control. The words fall out of my mouth like they’re on a treadmill set to sprint. I mix up my sentences, trip over words, speak too fast, or can’t get them out at all. My hands go clammy. My face turns red. I’m flustered and frustrated. The conversation I’d rehearsed in my head didn’t go to plan, and now I’m lost in the unpredictability of the moment.
If only people could read minds or we had subtitles.
If Only Minds Were Audible
Because in my head, it’s clear. I know what I mean.
But translating my thoughts into speech, especially around people I’m not comfortable with, feels like I’m trying to speak a foreign language.
Worse still, is the overthinking afterwards.
I walk away convinced they think I’m clueless. That I didn’t make sense. That I talked too fast, too much. That I made a fool of myself.
Here’s an example of my internal monologue playing in the background during one of these conversations:
“I’m talking too fast, slow down!”
“Why am I holding my breath?”
“Take a breath, woman!”
“Am I even making sense?”
“I’m rambling now. Stop.”
“Do they understand what I’m saying? I can’t tell”
“Eye contact”
“Too much eye contact – look away”
“Too long! Look back. But not into their soul”
“What is that annoying noise?”
“Crap, what did they just say?”
All while other random thoughts are bouncing around my head…
Not to mention the catchy music playing in the background for no reason at all (just like when I’m writing in my notebook).
As you can imagine, it’s exhausting. I lose my train of thought, I go off on tangents, and then circle back, restart, and even confuse myself.
The Reality of Being Autistic and ADHD
This is the reality of communication for me, as someone who is both autistic and ADHD.
The conversation is scripted perfectly in my mind, but when it comes to actually speaking? That’s a different story.
Autistic me struggles with communication and social situations.
ADHD me gets distracted, forgets my point, and veers off topic mid-sentence.
That said, understanding my neurodivergence has helped.
Learning to Work With My Brain
I’m still learning how to work with my brain, not against it.
To catch myself mid-spiral. To slow down and breathe.
To speak up, even if the words come out messy.
For most of my life, it’s felt like there’s a golf ball in my throat. I’ve wanted to share my thoughts, but the fear of being misunderstood or not knowing how to express them has always held me back. Unable to get the words out.
The conversation was ready in my mind, but getting it out verbally, is where it all goes wrong.
Now though, I’m learning to voice myself, even when it’s hard.
Two Versions of Me
At home, in my safe space with my husband and daughter, I can talk freely without scripting or overthinking. But step outside that comfort zone? It’s an unpredictable world. I feel like a different version of me – more guarded, more unsure.
Because the truth is, communication isn’t just about talking; it’s the entire journey that leads up to a conversation. Especially for neurodivergent individuals.
Your Voice Deserves to Be Heard
And that is exactly why the most trustworthy and realistic awareness of neurodivergence comes from those who live it.
Assessments – especially for children – are often done by professionals who observe from the outside. But the thing is, that doesn’t paint the complete picture of the child (or adult). Externally, they might be perceived in one way, but internally, it’s completely different. Just as I explained my childhood school experience in “You Only See the Outburst- Not What Led to It.”
Internal Understanding of Self
Only the individual themselves truly knows what their experience feels like, especially when they’ve learned to mask it on the outside.
And that’s why lived experiences are not just valid, they’re vital for overall understanding.
So next time you see someone stumble over their words, pause mid-sentence, or seem a little ‘off’…
Remember, they might be fighting through an entire conversation in their head just to say one sentence out loud.
Neurodivergence doesn’t always look the way you expect. But it’s always valid.
Your voice, however it comes out, deserves to be heard.
If you experience communication like me, or differently, I’d love to hear from you.
Please drop a comment below, send me an email, or reach out to me on Instagram.
Always remember, whatever you’re going through right now, you’ve got this!
Chloe x